You just got the phone call - “Did you hear? ______ is dead!” After those first words, you may or may not have heard the rest. The caller’s voice may seem to have trailed off in a language that you don’t hear or understand. Those stinging words were all your brain could handle. No one is there, but you swear someone just punched you as hard as they could in the gut. How can this be? You just talked to _____ this morning! It can’t be true. You begin to cry, and then to scream. Then you pick up the phone to try and find someone to tell you it isn’t real.

Everyone grieves. Everyone experiences death at some point in life. Some people see death when they are young, some when they are old. So what makes you, the teenager, so special? Well, physically and psychologically, you are special. You are different from everyone at every other age. One of the toughest things about the teenage years is that you feel everything times about a hundred. All the growing and the hormones, you just feel more. You are at the most sensitive place in life, so when grief happens, it hits SO hard. Another special thing about you is that you have this amazing power to bounce back from things that knock you down.

There is hope for the teens who grieve. When death hits close to home, whether it is a family member, a friend or classmate, it makes us realize that we actually CAN die. It doesn’t just happen to ‘other people’. Our basic security gets shaken, and for maybe the first time, we are afraid. We also feel the heart-wrenching emptiness where this person used to be. The friends band together. We write, draw, sing, play music, whatever brings some sort of comfort. We feel agony, despair, loss, depression, or disbelief. It is important to know that these feelings will pass in time. We must find a way to deal with the initial shock period, and then slowly begin to put the pieces back together.

Teenagers are the absolute best at honoring their fallen brothers and sisters. The unity and honesty they show in these dark times surpass what most adults are capable of expressing. So now what do you do? Now you must grieve in your own special way, so that you may live a full and happy life. You know your loved one would want it that way. But How?

There are some basic guidelines you must remember after a loss.

•Stay close to those who share in your suffering. Clinging to each other is the best way to deal with the shock of death. (Remember- even when we know someone is going to die, we are never truly prepared for the actual event)
•Talk about it. Cry, kick and scream if you need to.
•Find a trusted person to talk to about your feelings
•Try not to shut the adults out who try to help. They need to know how to help you.
•Write, draw, sing, whatever is your way of self expression. Creativity is a perfect outlet for stress and emotions.
•Memorialize. Building some sort of a memorial, whether it be a scrapbook, a CD of your loved one’s favorite songs, a butterfly garden, planting a tree, lighting a candle, watching their favorite movie, or wearing their favorite slippers around the house, it is a very healthy way to feel close to them. Perhaps putting together a photo album or a book for all the friends and family to sign and write notes. These are all wonderful ways of helping to heal, and honoring the memory of the one you have all lost.
•Expect the unexpected. You may experience mood swings from sadness to rage, and everything in between. THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL, and it may go on for a while.

You may find you are experiencing overwhelming anger. This is normal. However, it is important that you find a way to deal with it so no damage is done before it passes. Hurting yourself or someone else out of anger and grief NEVER helps. It just makes things worse. Anger usually comes from fear, guilt or pain, underneath. Examining these possibilities with a friend may help. Sometimes professional may be needed for extreme uncontrolled rage until the crisis passes. There is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Look at what you have been through!

Survivor’s guilt is very common when someone dies. The question “Why them?” or “Why not me?” is common, especially when perhaps you were supposed to be in that car and they went at the last minute, or you feel you should have somehow been able to stop this. Guilt is possibly the most misguiding emotion we have. It is only useful to remind us about right and wrong. Too many times we feel guilty when we are absolutely not responsible. Reason these things out with another person. You will see things much clearer than if you let it roll around inside your head, and you are the only person answering yourself!

Ask for help if you ever feel like you want to hurt yourself. If you cannot talk to your parents, find an adult you trust. PLEASE do not ignore danger signs such as this! Nothing is EVER hopeless!

Jeri Lynn Platt is the founder of Shining Light Grief Support. She has long been an advocate for natural birthing, cesarean prevention, unnecessary medical intervention and the medical rights of the pregnant parent. Grief support was only a part of the support and advocacy she offered until the illness and subsequent death of her fifteen year old daughter in April of 2003 brought her to a new level of education and understanding. An ordained minister (non-denominational), she offers education, spiritual & emotional support, hope and respite for the weary and grief-stricken through the use of a series of support tools, in the hope that we can all be UNstuck in our grief.
Jeri is available for speaking, workshops, one-on-one support and offers a series of grief retreats at some of the most beautiful spa resorts in sunny South Florida.

She can be reached at 954-827-0295, or email jeri@myshininglight.com
Please visit http://www.myshininglight.com

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